At this point, I’m sure you’ve read about the tragic passing of track phenom Tori Bowie. She died in her apartment due to complications in childbirth. The number of women who die during or shortly after childbirth in the United States is higher than in any other developed nation. Women of color face even greater risks. Neither of these two facts stunned me, sadly. What did blow my mind, though, was that Tori died alone.

There are a lot of rumours swirling around the details of Tori’s death but there is mention of her being found by police 10 days post-mortem. TEN DAYS AND NO ONE STOPPED BY TO CHECK ON HER? I’ve spoken about showing up in past blogs. It’s not complicated.

Why was she alone?

There are theories around this question – mental health, refusal of support – but if you care about this woman, you persist, don’t you?

In a past blog “Pods, Orcas and Kidneys”, I shared about Mia Mingus’ definition of pods: “Pods are made up of the people in our lives we can turn to first and rely on. These are the people in our lives who have consented to being there for us either for general or specific purposes.”

I find it hard to believe that Tori had no one in her pod. Someone with her pedigree and successes – once the fastest woman on the planet and three-time Olympic medallist (one of them gold) – didn’t have a teammate, coach, family member, fan, anyone check in? I’m struggling.

I’ve been through some hardships in my life – nothing close to this – but I’ve been through times when I have been tested. Time and time again, I am baffled with the lack of support from people in my life. No calls. No visits. No messages. No check-ins. No showing up. Why? Is it simply because they just don’t really care? Or is there more?

I Googled “why don’t people show up for others in times of need?” And found an article by Nick Notas entitled “What Happens When You Start Showing Up For People”. Here are some depressing take-aways:

Showing up means you sacrifice something to make someone else happy. That could be your time, energy, emotions, comfort, or pleasure. I know that when I’ve struggled to show up in the past, it had nothing to do with other people. It was mostly out of self-preservation. Sometimes it’s out of fear or anxiety. Sometimes we’re afraid of being vulnerable. Sometimes we’re tired and don’t want to muster the energy. Sometimes we just procrastinate and put it off. Sometimes, we just want to be selfish in those moments. Whatever the reason… Showing up feels like it costs us a lot — tangibly and emotionally. So we bail… And then often when we do decide to show up, it’s conditional. We want an immediate return on our investment.

Is this for real?

It explains one of the most impactful quotes I came across a few months ago re: 5 Things That Take Down Teams (@TheCoachJournal)

“Not everyone in your circle is in your corner.”

Read that again.

“Not everyone in your circle is in your corner.”

What Happens When You Start Showing Up For People